In’N’Out of Time: Satirical Erotic Fanfiction Based on Madeleine L’Engle’s A Wrinkle In Time
From the ShipwreckSF Archives, April 2018
Hi friends! As mentioned in an earlier post, I’m sharing and promoting my ShipwreckSF stories on Substack while I query agents. For those of you unfamiliar with ShipwreckSF, it was a monthly satirical erotic literary fanfiction competition that took place at the Booksmith in San Francisco. I loved writing for the show and miss it very much. Anyway, the following story was written for the April 2018 show (read aloud by Baruch Porras-Hernandez), and was my final ShipwreckSF show at The Booksmith.
Oh, and in case any readers were wondering- Shipwreck writers would be assigned a character, any character, from the book chosen for that month’s show. Sometimes the producers would assign abstract characters to writers. For this show, I was assigned the mathematical concept of the tesseract, as explained in the book and Marvel’s Cinematic Universe. Because I am not a math person, this broke my brain a bit when I was writing, so…this is what I wrote. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
Tap-tap-tap-tap. Her star-covered foot nervously twitched against the booth. The Tesseract (nicknamed Tess) was well known by the staff of this Applebee’s, always ordering the southwest egg rolls and a strawberry margarita. But she never had a dinner companion join her for more than two dates, even when she branched out to try boneless wings.
Tap-tap-tap-tap. Her foot twitched again as she resisted the urge to look at her phone. Tess hated online dating, especially because everyone was always late. But what else can you do, when every other date has called her out for being too smart, or too cubic, or too… timely? Tap-tap-tap. She clutched her phone, anticipating a cancellation text.
Out of nowhere, loud whirring vibrations hummed and made their way into the Applebee’s, making Tess shake and shiver in delight. She held her breath as her date slid into the booth with what she assumed was a playful look. It was hard to tell, since her date was a British police telephone booth and had no recognizable face.
“Hi, I’m Tess,” she said, holding out her fifth dimensional hand.
“Hello! I am the TARDIS,” said the TARDIS. No hand was extended, but Tess felt a warm squeeze in her palm, and smiled. Maybe this date wouldn’t be so bad.
“So! Tell me about yourself.” The TARDIS leaned forward, and Tess could hear a gentle vrrm-vrrm-vrrm whirring about. She was instantly smitten. So often her dates would ask stupid things like, “What are you?” and “Does time even exist?” and “Time is a flat circle,” which wasn’t a question but rather a cue for Tess to leave. But now someone cared about who she was — and was making an actual effort to learn more about her.
“Well, I’m a fourth dimensional math theory used for fifth dimensional time travel,” she started, “and I help explorers get from place to place quickly.” She instinctively reached for an eggroll before remembering they hadn’t placed an order yet. “I like to read historical fiction, I’m an Aquarius but my ascendant is Virgo, and I love Applebee’s.”
“Ooh, I help explorers too!” The TARDIS exclaimed. “I have an explorer inside me right now!”
“Oh cool! Wait, what?” Tess watched as the TARDIS jiggled in place. The front door opened and a woman’s face popped out.
“Hello! You must be the Tesseract!” the woman exclaimed. “I’m the Doctor.”
“Uhhhhh,” Tess blinked as the Doctor reached out to shake her hand. “Doctor… who?”
“Precisely,” the Doctor beamed. “Lovely to meet you. Have fun tonight, and make sure you both use protection!” The Doctor tossed out a can of WD40, two large blue spheres, a bag of googly eyes, a bagpipe, and several balloons, before disappearing back into the TARDIS.
It dawned on Tess that she had not yet had her margarita. But before she could suggest an order, the TARDIS was whirring loudly again.
“I know this is rather bold, but… do you wanna skip the formalities and fast forward?” The blue light atop the TARDIS sparked. Tess nodded, and a loud *SNAP* came from within the TARDIS. Time instantly passed, and yet had not passed at all, because relativity. Now with the convenient time jump, the TARDIS and Tess knew everything about each other. Finally, Tess had found what she had always deserved — intimacy, trust, and maybe even love.
Feeling empowered and turned on, Tess seductively bit her lip and whispered, “Let’s get out of here.” The TARDIS was pleasantly surprised and rumbled about in the booth, gathering the Doctor’s items from the table.
As Tess stood, the TARDIS took a moment to check her out. Tess was, without a doubt, the sexiest multi-cube they had ever seen, covered head to toe in stardust and dwarf planets. When she flipped her geometrical hair, the TARDIS caught a glimpse of her Delorean-shaped earrings.
“Absolutely stunning,” the TARDIS murmured under its breath, grabbing Tess’s hand to twirl her underneath the Applebee’s fluorescent lighting. “Okay, let’s go.” The TARDIS pulled Tess closely, and in an instant they rocketed into the sky.
They were making their way downtown, timewarping fast, faces pass, and they were homebound, to the far end of the Milky Way galaxy. This was familiar territory for Tess, given her work with earthlings, but with the TARDIS, everything was new again. It was like she was seeing through a sixth or seventh dimension.
The TARDIS, similarly starstruck, leaned in close to whisper in her cubic ear. “I wanna put my clock hands all over you,” they growled. “May I fuck your wrinkle?”
“In time,” Tess said with a wink.
They laughed merrily, holding each other as they orbited a moon.
“Okay, but seriously,” The TARDIS said, wanting explicit consent. “May I fuck your wrinkle?”
Tess shivered in delight, pulling the TARDIS in for a deep, interdimensional kiss. “Only if I can start from the top.” The TARDIS, grinning, fell backward into a bed of stars.
And so, Tess mounted the TARDIS, as best as she could. After all, she was a fifth dimensional time travel cube, and they were a big-ass time machine disguised as a 1960s British telephone booth. Her time legs wrapped around the blue sex organ, which was both a physical item used for time machine recreation, but also a traditional pipe organ as heard in religious ceremonies.
“Oh my!” Tess exclaimed. Her eyes rolled to the back of her cube as the TARDIS filled her inner cube. “You’re so much bigger on the inside.” The TARDIS chuckled and leaned up to kiss her, briefly falling out of their starry bed. Tess settled back into position, the TARDIS let out a loud “hhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnggggggggggg,” its light flashing over and over again. They heard a distant voice — “Don’t forget protection!” — and briefly stopped to pull out the WD40, spheres, googly eyes, bagpipe and balloons, arranging them neatly.
At last, Tess rode the TARDIS like a cowgirl in heat. Bouncing up and down, writhing into the TARDIS doors, Tess worked her way all around that organ, taking them through dimension after dimension. The bagpipe, adhered to the top of the TARDIS, let out a traditional bagpipe “eeerrrrrnnneghghhghgh” to keep them from crashing into space travelers and asteroids. After a few close scrapes, the time pair scooted their way to another dimension with less traffic.
“Oh god, yes!” Tess cried out. “Fuck my tight little wormhole!” Happy to oblige, the TARDIS bent Tess into a new position against an alternate universe Neptune. The time boxes boxed, but with their genitals, and with each new thrust the TARDIS immersed themselves into Tess’s cube, and Tess’s cube was immersed in the TARDIS. It was boxes on boxes on boxes, but fucking, and making enigmatic “fffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnpppppppppp” noises as they orgasmed across the galaxy, across the universe, across every possible dimension of space and time. Wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff filled every corner of Tess’s cube as the TARDIS cried out, “Wwwwwwiiiiiiiihhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrr!!!” A million miniature clocks dripped out of Tess’s fourth dimension as she pleasurably collapsed into an asteroid cloud. The TARDIS snuggled up next to her, spooning her angles.
“Be mine?” The TARDIS whispered.
“Forever,” Tess whispered back, and time stood still.
Thanks for taking the time to read my silly story, friends. If you like what you read, please support my writing in whatever manner suits you best: share this post with friends, buy me a Ko-fi or leave a generous tip (it’s my birthday month, after all). I’ve got another fanfiction story from my UCB days coming up next- stay tuned!